I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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