I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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