oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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