Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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