I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
