she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
