And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
