Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
