i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
