You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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