my mouth tastes like poor choices
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
