I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
