so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
