Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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