I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
