UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
