I just threw up on my dentist
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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