I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
