Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
