Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
