i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
