I CAN MOONWALK!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
