There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
