Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We talked him into tasing himself.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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