When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
