Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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