You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize