my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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