I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
