I'm so fucking centered right now
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
