I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
