the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
