you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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