You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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