I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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