Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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