Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize