You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize