She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
