You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
