Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize