Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
