Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
