my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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