worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
