Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
