she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
