hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
