Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
