I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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