girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
