When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
