my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
