i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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