i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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