dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize