Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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