My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
