11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
