I didn't shave. On purpose
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
