Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
