i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
