My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
