No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i would one night stand the shit outta him
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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