I think my fart just growled at me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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