...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
